Chronic

 

Good evening Dizzy Dreamers, 

As I thought about what I wanted this post to include, the only thoughts I could pull from are the ones  in which are constant. The thoughts of having some mysterious illness the doctors have yet to identify. While I do struggle with conditions like asthma and anxiety, these symptoms run deeper than that. 

I can't remember what year my life truly changed. Sometimes I think it was three years ago after dealing with a bout of severe anxiety, other times I wonder if I've always felt this way. It doesn't matter that I have one diagnosis (anxiety) because to me there are too many unanswered questions that even this cluster of a condition cannot cover. I label myself as having some sort of chronic condition, and maybe at the end of the day it's just anxiety, but I always worry it's something more. For a while now, not sure how long, I've dealt with pretty frequent dizziness and brain fog. Amongst the other symptoms this one may bother me the most (I say that about every symptom). But it makes me feel like I'm losing touch with reality, and I need control, I crave control. Sometimes I feel like I can't even think. On top of that, I get hot flashes, severe fatigue, and vision blurriness. What do these all have in common you may ask? The doctors will tell you anxiety. Maybe that's what they want me to believe, maybe that's what I want to believe. 

I can't seem to shake the feeling that it could be something more, because if it is I want to be treated as soon as possible, but that seems too much to ask. It's funny that I could pick out a symptom in every part of my body that occurs regularly and still can't get answers. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if everyone else was feeling the same way, but I'm not that naive. This post is pretty much just word vomit because I don't feel like writing in my journal tonight, but I have such spiraling thoughts about my health. I've been to almost all the specialty doctors. Luckily, I have a neurology appointment coming up, hopefully they can provide me with some sort of solace. In the mean time I suppose I'll just let the wind take me where I'm supposed to go, but wait, I can never seem to just let things happen how they're supposed to because I have ANXIETY. 

Now I'm just rambling at this point, but trust me, my next post will be much more optimistic. I just find myself feeling sad for my life in the fact that I can't seem to keep up with others. I know comparison is pointless, but how can I not compare myself to other lives I want to live? I can't go to the gym regularly because I either get sick, don't eat enough to sustain my energy, or don't have time. I can't go on road trips or vacations much due to finances, and I can't even seem to get myself to wear makeup or dress nice every day, or even do fun activities like paint or garden because of constant fatigue. How am I supposed to keep up in a world where productivity is the only goal, the biggest expectation? When some days I can't even seem to keep up with basic tasks. How long can I use my invisible illness as an excuse not to get out there in the world? Not to get things done? Not to live? 

People only believe what they can see. At the end of the day, that's what this comes down to. People can and will listen to me, but it's believing it that matters. It's believing it that makes a difference. So as we part ways tonight, give that person the benefit of the doubt. You just can never truly understand why they're slowing down when you are working overdrive, or why they are seemingly making excuses when they visibly seem fine. Just give someone an ounce of grace the next time you don't understand someone's actions or words, because they may be dealing with something relentless, nagging, and maybe even.... chronic. Goodbye for now. 

Yours Truly, 

Dizzy Dreamer .)